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Disclaimer: I’m not an expert on any of the nuances of narcissism and other personality types. This post is merely what I’ve learned from an article on Micromanipulation and how narcissists gain leverage in relationships for their benefit. If you have any feedback on this post and can enlighten me on this subject, leave it in the comment. Give the post a like and follow so you can be updated on my future posts. Peace and keep it real.
I’ve recently read an article on Micromanipulations and I want to share my insights. Someone reading this might have experienced or still is involved in a relationship with a narcissist, and I think presenting this post will give insight to the reader who might not be familiar with the damaging effects it can produce if not recognized and resolved. In this post, I will explain a few of the insidious tactics a narcissist uses to take control in subtle ways that an oblivious “victim” will not notice initially. Lastly, to close out the post I’ll address how there are, believe it or not, positive attributes to micromanipulation/narcissism.
Painting credit – Jungwan Chae
The article explained Micromanipulation/Narcissism from the perspective of romantic relationships and how detrimental it is once the narcissist establishes control. However, I think Micromanipulation/Narcissism is applicable in all relationships, ones such as siblings, bosses, or parents who can be excessively controlling. I think it can be experienced in a multitude of ways. In addition, the ways to go about resolving it can vary. For example, if an employee was manipulated by a boss and was cognizant about it, then they would have to report it to the company board. However, there is always the risk of the boss being absolved without legitimate evidence.
With any relationship, there is reciprocity of respect once it’s earned, but with narcissists, once they find an opening they’ll use misinformation and act duplicitous to get what they want even if it’s at the expense of their partner’s feelings. Additionally, if their efforts are futile after multiple attempts to elicit an immediate response, they will resort to “Micromanipulation” and this dangerous ploy will give them the confidence to repeatedly do it with ease.
Most of us have displayed narcissist traits at one point in our lives. It’s inevitable when the ego needs to be satisfied. However, the extent it goes to all depends on the personality type. Additionally, specific circumstances and life events also play a factor. For instance, a boyfriend might get into a conversation with his girlfriend/boyfriend that they have a doctor’s appointment because of some unknown but concerning medical issue that they failed to immediately disclose. By confiding to their partner about their health issue, their partner (possibly soon to be ex) gets angry, but the manipulation reawakens their partner’s empathy. As a result, their partner begins to worry and thus the attention turns to the narcissist.
As mentioned in the introduction, the article explains the positive aspects of micromanipulation. The article states the following… A 2018 report from the University of Louisiana found that all kinds of narcissists along with manipulators and psychopaths (the so-called “dark triad of personality” traits) are capable of caring towards others; as long as they see benefits to themselves in doing so. To me, this doesn’t sound positive but rather disingenuous because the person being helped is under the notion that they are being helped and cared for by a person they trust. With that said, I think the way to curtail micromanipulation is to step back and recognize your partner’s behavior for what it is and compartmentalize your emotional responses from what’s going on, which I think is needed so you can discern the right actions to take in the future.
In summary, awareness is imperative when coming up with a conducive way to deal with a narcissist in your life. By keeping track of each other’s behavior, you’ll notice micromanipulations before it becomes an onerous situation, because once that point is reached, the “exit” will be desperately sought after, and this is an indication that the relationship is on track to end.
“Micromanipulation: The Covert Tactic That Narcissists Use in Arguments to Reassert Control.” Pocket, 24 Nov. 2020, getpocket.com/explore/item/micromanipulation-the-covert-tactic-that-narcissists-use-in-arguments-to-reassert-control?utm_source=pocket-newtab&fbclid=IwAR1ce3SX_8Ia87dKAuXoU68MQmy_BM3zrYOzBsSrBwDFWr5JHDmvWID1JEY.
- This poem is dedicated to the memory of my good friend known by his family and friends as “The Josh”.
Disbelief sets in
I can’t stand still
Bodies converge on my personal space
To get on this train
I know it’s not their fault
But it feels personal
‘Cause the following days will never be the same
Countless dialogue through the years
A lot pleasant, dare I say riveting
And some contentious
But the bond remained solidified
A fallen brother,
The best fallen voice I will always remember
A limb has fallen from the family tree
Your homies will remember you lived life with conviction
You’ve connected souls that will carry your enthusiasm
No matter how succinct
No matter how busy
No matter how tired
No matter how frustrated
No matter the issue
Your homies will be present for one another
‘Cause know this
We will all depart from this plane of existence one day
But our remnants of life will remain
So the ones we leave behind
Can celebrate our name
And history will burst
One love and until we reunite
It’s been a while since I’ve done a long-form blog post, and I think you’ll enjoy this one because I think it’s something we’re all guilty of doing at one point in our lives, or for some people, consistently. With that said, in this post, I’ll be talking about oversharing, how to tell if you’re oversharing (A.K.A. Too Much Information) and ways you can stop.
The New York Times describes oversharing as “ exclusively talking about personal matters and rejecting to volley the conversation back and forth. Some of us when being disclosed frivolous information might interrupt someone mid-speech to say “TMI ! (Too much information). There’s a cost to revealing information to a party that doesn’t need to hear it. In regards to this, it can be detrimental if revealed to the wrong person. For one, you can alienate people who feel uncomfortable with the amount of information you share, and rightly so. Hey, they’re probably dealing with dilemmas and there’s no reason to add yours to theirs in hopes of them helping you resolve it. In addition, you might think it’s innocuous to disclose information you need to resolve to whoever might listen, but if that person doesn’t have your best interest at heart, then you’ll be at risk of them taking advantage of you. From coworkers, to using Facebook like a diary, to the person seated next to you on a train/plane, it’s human nature to communicate any personal matters to someone willing to listen and give appropriate feedback but as mentioned, sometimes the risks can outweigh the benefits. Divulging into details without properly vetting the person is sort of reckless. So, it’s better to say as little as possible. On another note, do you know what oversharing can do to already established relationships? You’ve guessed it, the end of that relationship. This depends on the content of what’s shared but once oversharing begins it becomes a stream of things better left unsaid. Having said that, below are signs of oversharing and the reasons behind oversharing, and ways to stop oversharing.
Signs of oversharing :
- Your relationships are unbalanced: You don’t want everyone to know way more about you than you know about them.
- You’re afraid of silence: Are you the one who has to initiate the break of silence? Those around you might prefer silence. Engaging in a one-sided interaction can lead to the person you’re interacting with being uncomfortable. As mentioned earlier, say as minimal as possible or nothing at all if you have the discipline.
- You’re loved ones turn into a therapist
- No one interacts with you on social media: Just to get attention one can use it as a place to disclose everything that’s on their mind and yeah… someone will either like it or call you out on it.
- You’re at work: Keep work interactions with coworkers and your personal life information separate as much as possible, cause it can backfire.
The reasons for oversharing
- A false sense of intimacy
- Solace in a stranger
- A misguided attempt to fast track a relationship
- Poor boundaries
- A hasty effort to make someone else feel comfortable
How to stop oversharing
The number one way to stop oversharing is identifying the reason you’re compelled to share in the first place. By coming to that realization, and understanding why will help you curtail your eagerness to overshare. If you think you overshare because of attention then find out what triggers your desire for constant attention. On the other hand, once you get a hold of your oversharing, start placing your thoughts into private outlets (a notepad app on your phone, a google/word doc). Use a notebook cautiously because if you lose it and someone picks it up, all that oversharing is in written form for them to be entertained by. Anyway, to close out this post below are ways to overcome your oversharing.
- Give yourself a time restriction. If you’re talking for minutes at a time, you’re probably turning a conversation into a monologue.
- Find another outlet. Take up journaling instead of posting, or start leaving yourself voice memos to verbally process something.
- Practice active listening – Make sure you’re asking the other person questions, rather than constantly dominating the sharing.
- Avoid social media when you’re feeling emotional. This is a rule to live by in any context.
- Link to article : https://www.wired.co.uk/article/zoom-dysmorphia?utm_source=pocket-newtab. Copy URL to web browser to read.
- This post is dedicated to Suicide Prevention Month
Ever since we entered this pandemic (COVID-19), a lot of us had to do virtual meetings, schooling, interviewing, and Podcasting (which I’ve done twice) on Zoom. People have got accustomed to virtual interactions but with constant use, it’s no surprise some people became self-conscious about how they looked on their screen. “Zoom Dysmorphia” is a term coined by psychologists to explain this kind of mindset. To be honest, I haven’t thought too much about how I looked during my interviews and podcasting. This is maybe because I was too focused on the moment and wanted a successful outcome to occur in those meetings. However, I would be lying if I didn’t think of it more than once, before hitting that connection to a Zoom meeting. Moreover, I’m basing this post on an article that has a lot of statistics and I don’t want to bore you with that, so I’ll link the article for you to have a more in-depth understanding of this topic.
Even before COVID, plastic surgeons and dermatologists began seeing a rise in patients coming to them with demands that were unrealistic and unnatural, and with consistent use of Zoom and other video chatting services the pressure to look your best becomes overwhelming. Furthermore, individuals will feel highly critical of themselves, and even though people were self-conscious of their image pre-social media, social media became an everyday tool that exacerbated self-image hatred with its applications that enhances (Snapchat/Instagram) and magnifies imperfections. In regards to this, front-facing cameras distort images to the point where your image looks like it’s being reflected off a “funhouse mirror”. The camera is closer to you than a person would be in real life, and with everything up close, one would notice imperfections and chastise themselves to the point of body modification.
In conclusion, I think a person who makes body modification due to an entity perceiving them as inadequate might feel confident at first with their new appearance, but there’s always someone or something that will remind them of their flaws, and with that, more unnatural physical changes will be done, and the cycle repeats itself. Worst-case scenario, if no body modifications are made, the anguish becomes overwhelming to the point of them perishing at their own hands. Zoom users are not only confronted with an app that they think acts like an “appearance evaluator” but external factors (people). The latter has a more emphatic impact on a person’s self-image and confidence. For example, the whole concept of “body positivity” has been trending for the last few years and there has been positive and negative language being spoken about it, the ones affected either made changes (naturally, weight loss) or unnaturally (liposuction). Having said that, Zoom in the case of this article has been the nail in the coffin so to speak for changes to be made. As of now, a viable option to combat Zoom Dysmorphia is through awareness so people who are experiencing it can find a space to discuss their dilemmas and brainstorm solutions.
Below is a recap of what was said in the video. I recommend watching the video for full context. Hit the follow button so you can stay up to date with future posts.
1. Never tolerate indecency being done to you. Set boundaries.
Protect yourself from disrespect, and matter of fact not just yourself but your family and friends from outsiders.
2. Have self-respect. Having high agreeableness will cause this weakness to be detrimental to your manhood. Here’s why, men like this don’t want others to be treated badly but will disrespect themselves by tolerating disrespect, in order to protect others. If a plane is going down, grab your emergency face mask before helping the person sitting next to you. Help yourself first before helping others. It’s not selfish, it’s survival. Be a man. This goes for relationships too, all kinds romantic, friendships, and professional, if they come at you with some bullshit, shun them until they apologize. Be a man.
3. Don’t be a yes man and don’t be ashamed to say “No”. Protecting your peace is not mean. Preventing people from doing your harm is not mean. Speak your truth as a man and however, they react is not your responsibility. Moreover, this coincides with cancel culture. Being direct with the truth is offensive these days, so fabrications and saying what wants to be heard is deemed appropriate. Fuck your feelings and face the facts. Be a man.