‘The Power of Letting Go: Overcoming Regret and Embracing a Brighter Future’

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Regret is experienced in two ways:

1. Action path – Regretting things we did 
2. Inaction path – Regretting things we did not do

When we experience a disappointing event in our lives, regret is a natural and genuine reaction. It is a decision we made that is non-reversible but can be amended in the future. We are all guilty of saying something that we can never take back or not properly thinking something through resulting in us making the wrong decision and then feeling dissatisfied. As a result, this can cause us to become self-critical and doubtful. It is important to realize that no amount of self-chastising will change the outcome of our actions, and it is this kind of reaction that contributes to negative emotions. Furthermore, negative emotions connected to regret such as sorrow, helplessness, and remorse, can make it difficult to reduce the negative impact of regret because we are so fixated on figuring out what went wrong instead of doing better next time. Equally important, regret can cause stress and negatively affect our physical and psychological health in terms of throwing off our hormonal balance and weakening the immune system which will make us susceptible to illnesses. Although regret is unpleasant and unhealthy,  University of Virginia’s J. Kim Penberthy advocates optimistic approaches that can facilitate the healing process. Through her research on stressful emotions caused by regret, patients developed the confidence to overcome regret, move on with their lives, and grow. Not to mention, she believes activities such as intervention therapy and evidence-based strategies are appropriate approaches to overcoming regret. From my perspective, this sounds intriguing, however, I don’t believe regret can be overcome or cured directly. The reason is, that something can elicit a response from an individual by reminding them of a time they made a decision that resulted in something unfulfilling, but as time progresses the gravity of the situation loses its impact. In other words, I think we eventually begin to stop caring about those regrets because they lost their significance or we have forgiven ourselves. Albeit, this also depends on the circumstances that led to an individual doing something they regretted. I will use two anecdotal examples to illustrate my point. 

In October 2021, Josh, a friend of mine, was in the hospital for medical treatment due to heart problems. While he was at the hospital, he called me multiple times throughout the day and I gladly answered his calls because I wanted to keep him company as he recovered from his languishing condition. Fast forward to November during the Thanksgiving season and I continued to talk with Josh as we always had since our high school days. I can still remember the days when we would gather our group of friends and have conference calls. Looking back on it, I consider those conversations to be our “unofficial” podcast. Anyway, the week of Thanksgiving was strange because he didn’t call me once which was unusual for him. I began pondering if he was doing well but I knew he had a strong resolve and resilience to continue his path to full strength. I believed that he would be in a better physical and mental condition once the new year began. Unfortunately on December 5th, 2021, I received devastating news from his nephew as I was leaving Downtown Boston that he passed away. The news left me incredulous and unsure of how to react. As I made my way on the train, many emotions enveloped me. For one, I felt dejected and claustrophobic. Not wanting to look anyone in the eyes I put my head down as I did my best to process the news and withstand an overwhelming feeling of dread. It was as if I was repeatedly getting crushed by an anvil like the running coyote from the Looney Tunes. To make matters worse, I started questioning myself, thinking, why did I not contact him during Thanksgiving week? Is this reality or a nightmare? It was not until after his funeral that the feelings of confusion, remorse, and ultimately regret that I didn’t take the initiative to contact him began to subside. As of today, I still think about my failure in not reaching out to him, but I have forgiven myself because his death was an outcome that was obviously out of my control and I began to celebrate his life. However, I did learn a lesson that I will explain in my next example. 

The story I presented to illustrate my point about the inactive aspect of regret is something I had to understand as not only a learning experience but something that caused me to be introspective and gain compassion for not only myself but for others who are in a dilemma. Case in point, it was the summer of 2022, the 4th of July to be exact and I got a call from my college friend Chris. At approximately 11 PM, Chris called me and sounded distraught because none of his family or friends were answering his calls and I must have been his last hope for help. Come to find out, he sounded sullen and needed to confide in someone about how much pain he was in battling alcoholism. I wasn’t judgmental nor do I recall giving him any advice because I do not have the expertise in handling people suffering from addictions and I did not want to give him insufficient information. With this in mind, even though I refrained from giving advice, I did actively listen to him for over two hours. Before ending the call, I assured him that I would be available to talk whenever he wanted to call again. His consideration of me was gratifying and he credits me for being a catalyst in his path to recovery. 

In light of the adversary Chris was experiencing, it was my presence and active listening that activated an action path and the positive outcome was Chris’s recovery. It is my belief that this enabled me to avoid feeling any regret. Despite my valiant efforts, I sometimes still think to myself, was my support enough for him to seek positive outlets for change? Or what if he continued on a path of self-destruction? If that were the case, then I may have experienced remorse which is a symptom of regret for the fact that my efforts did not yield something that I desired, which was to see him healthy again. Furthermore, it’s this sense of doubt that I believe has a prolonged effect on people whether they complete an action path or inaction path. To put it differently, in terms of inaction, the regret we feel when we are inactive is insidious because it is your failure to accomplish what you had expected of yourself, and not only do you have to confront that failure, but it can deceive your mind into fabricating outcomes to how the situation could have transpired notably positive ones. On the other hand, taking an action path although initially satisfying can sometimes cause an individual to feel discontent because they feel they could have achieved better results. In other words, the action path has more benefits than inaction for the simple fact that you attempted something you believe will be beneficial. 

Accept, Acknowledge and Forgive Yourself (AAFY)

Regret often puts us in a conundrum that can cause us to scrutinize ourselves to the point where we neglect to open ourselves up and not include positive energy such as self-compassion. It is necessary to acknowledge whether the regret was caused by lack of action or inaction, and we have to remind ourselves that we are human and we are doing the best we can. Sometimes we can’t get the answers to questions on our own and that is why effective communication, accepting your problem, acknowledging it, and forgiveness are imperative in helping resolve our regret. During the accepting stage, you can accept that you have feelings of regret but that does not mean that you like those feelings. Moreover, I do not think that there should be a place for complacency when experiencing feelings of regret because that can result in us becoming apathetic, and then we will lose the desire to change. By this I mean, we need to find the determination, especially in the early stages when confronting regret instead of lambasting ourselves and constantly saying things that are demoralizing instead of uplifting. A positive disposition can hopefully prevent us from developing a victim mindset and we have to acknowledge that regrets are an inevitable part of life, but it is how we handle them that will either build or destroy character. Speaking of acknowledgment, acknowledging our thoughts and feelings is an important step because it can help us reach a point where we can start feeling alleviated from strong negative emotions. In my case, I acknowledged that I failed to be present for Josh which caused me to feel regretful. In hindsight, even though I took the inaction direction, I think I made the right decision to allow Josh his space to recuperate. However, that selfless act turned into a selfish one when I began blaming myself for being distant but as I said before it didn’t last long once I forgave myself. It’s the act of forgiving yourself for actions taken or not taken that is a powerful step toward overcoming regret. To further clarify, at the University of Virginia people were asked to recall the REACH psychological method. They were asked to recall the hurt (face it), empathize (be kind and compassionate), altruistically offer forgiveness (to oneself) , commit publicly (share it), and then hold onto that forgiveness and stay true to their decisions. Research states that using this method for six hours with a trained professional can have a positive impact on an individual.  

More knowledge = Less regret

All in all, in terms of how I dealt with regret, it is something I can be content with because I didn’t push away feelings of regret nor did I allow it to manifest into something that became uncontrollable. I was cognizant of feeling remorseful but I did not allow remorse or sorrow to consume me because I knew the value I brought to Josh’s life and vice versa, hence why I celebrated his life with my friends after his funeral which continues today. I believe all of us will initially feel contrite whenever we fail to achieve something we put all our energy into, but with patience and being meticulous when making decisions, there is always an opportunity to rectify our actions. Additionally, with enough practice, we can all develop patience when obtaining information about the situation. This will therefore make us more equipped to deliberate our actions so we can make decisions we are proud of and hopefully employ strategies to help those who are struggling with regret find clarity. 

Works Cited 

Penberthy, J. Kim. “Regret Can Be All-Consuming-a Neurobehavioral Scientist Explains How to Overcome It.” Pocket, 22 Jan. 2022, getpocket.com/explore/item/regret-can-be-all-consuming-a-neurobehavioral-scientist-explains-how-people-can-overcome-it?utm_source=pocket_collection_story.