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Why are some of us so bad at replying to our email and social media messages? And what does it say about us as people?
I have a confession to make. This is a safe place for me to tell you this right? I never had the chance to speak on this topic. Well, here’s the thing, I’m a bad replier and when I mean bad I’m not talking Michael Jackson bad (if you’re privy to the song you’ll get it), I’m talking bad as in awful. Seriously, I may need to find a support group where we can empathize and share our predilections for not responding timely to texts and emails. I wouldn’t mind wearing a shirt that reads “Bad at replying, but I won’t make any excuses” in the hopes of meeting a fellow bad replier so we can practice getting better at responding to our peers by responding to each other.
When it comes to receiving messages, there are two types of people in this world. Those who text back in time and those who don’t. I regretfully find myself among the ones who make up the latter. I admit that I’m a mediocre replier, but I’m in the process of rectifying my deficiencies. In addition, this doesn’t only apply to texting because my disposition is the same with emails regardless of who sent it. Honestly, I know this cavalier attitude is a habit I need to change but whenever I look at my inbox it’s like looking at an abyss that is constantly demanding my attention and this causes me to ignore it. I don’t even believe it’s a conscious behavior either. It’s not like I’m actively avoiding people and I don’t give priority to certain people while disregarding others. In other words, there is no hierarchy of who has more importance in my contacts. I will give the same undivided attention to my friends, coworkers, and family members when I am ready to engage with them. For example, I sometimes don’t even reply in a group chat until a few days later and whenever I do, I try to give an adequate response. I usually build on what was sent to contribute to creating a dialogue thread with my friends or send something arbitrary to merely remain active in the chat. At least then I’m still seen as someone who cares about his friends and not one who has a tendency to be distant. Look, some students were once on the brink of failing a course, and extra credit saved their ass, so in my case, finding the motivation to respond immediately may require a dire situation to occur.
If you’ve made it this far in my post then you’re probably thinking: “What is your problem, just reply”? I understand your bewilderment and I would ask myself the same question, but it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve tried changing this habit because I always find myself committing the same deed. To illustrate this point, oftentimes I begin opening a message and thinking about the best way to reply and then I forget about the message until something reminds me. Afterward, I respond remorsefully with an apology, “Sorry for the late response, I’m now looking at your message” or if it’s an email, “Apologies, this email got lost in the mix ”. Understandably, this leaves me open to being berated by my peers especially when it comes to work, but the fact that I responded at all should be good enough right? Well not necessarily, I know I should conduct myself in a way that is reliable, attentive, and responsible, and I don’t want to make excuses so whenever I’m called out on my failure to reply punctually I admit my faults with complete honesty. For instance, my supervisor once needed me to come in early for my shift because an extra employee was needed to help regulate the influx of candidates coming into the office for their professional certification exams. Needless to say, she tried reaching me once via text and twice by calling, but to no avail. It wasn’t until a half hour before my shift began that I hastily responded to her text and I felt bad because I felt that I had disappointed her and myself for not being available when my presence was required. Moreover, I must say that I was willing and prepared to work my shift but in that instance, I was unreliable which is something I don’t want to be known as.
It’s understandable to constantly apologize for your absence in this case, not responding timely to messages, but honestly, I know we can do better than merely apologizing. In other words, people are sometimes not sincere with their apologies and that apology can be as empty as saying “ I’m good or I’m doing well” when asked about your well-being. Some people tend to mask their true emotions so they don’t have to make that individual asking uncomfortable. Although a trite saying, actions speak louder than words is what we as bad repliers need to demonstrate instead of always relying on apologies to solve the problem. This isn’t to say you can’t initially feel contrite because that’s totally normal, but instead of always apologizing, what we should do is accept responsibility and explain how we intend to act better next time. Not to mention, the way we admit our faults will be circumstantial. For example, I once made plans to get together with a former coworker at the end of the week but we had not finalized plans on where we would be going. I need to mention this detail that my former coworker is older than me and to give you a better understanding, he is old enough to be my grandfather, so he had a sort of parental way of making sure I was focused and didn’t fall behind. Anyway, I missed an email he sent me and a few text messages that I needed to answer so we could decide where to go. When I worked my following shift I told him that I received his message and I gave him my decision on where we could go to hang out, but I don’t recall apologizing. I know what you’re thinking, well, you were in the wrong so why didn’t you apologize? Yes, you’re right it was indeed my fault but I didn’t see the circumstance as something urgent or severe to justify an apology.
Playing catch up as a bad replier/What can be the underlying issues?
First of all, apologies for going on a tangent about apologizing. Actually, I’m not sorry, but before you roll your eyes and click away, hear me out on possible ways we can all learn to make amends for our bad replying habits. I think that we are in constant conflict with ourselves because we want to avoid the pressure of knowing what to say on the spot but still want to remain present and not strain any connections we’ve established. Those who suffer from social anxiety see that having to respond to a plethora of messages can be overwhelming, so they immediately perceive it as something that needs to be moved to a later date as a task. Furthermore, Elena Touroni a consultant and co-founder of My Online Therapy gave insight into the underlying issue, ways to mitigate the bombardment of incoming messages, and how anxiety can negatively impact social engagement.
“It could be busyness (feeling overwhelmed with messages) or underlying anxieties that lead to someone to be a bad replier” she explains.
“Sometimes it can also be about control, when we feel anxious and overwhelmed, we might try to take control of the situation i.e. ‘It’s up to me when I get back to someone’. It’s a way of avoiding a feeling of being coerced to engage with someone (or something) in moments we don’t wish to”.
In all honesty, I agree with her sentiments. Control is the one glaring word that can summarize a bad replier. Obviously, without control, an individual will remain off balance and you can’t change for the better if you’re unstable. To put it differently, the outcome will not be favorable if an individual fails to find a way to establish control. I believe there is respite in identifying what is causing our unsociable behavior and distance, but the one conducive way to abandon the trait of being a bad replier is to take full responsibility so you can make a positive change and become the person you aspire to become. Personally, I think the best way for me to improve my response time is to consistently manage and filter through my notifications and messages. Additionally, I believe that organizing the information I deem as a priority over those that aren’t will allow me to go from feeling overwhelmed and cumbersome to more comfortable, poised, and reliable. Ultimately, we should not complicate something such as being a bad replier any further. Also, I believe we need to be less hard on ourselves and stop constantly apologizing (depending on the circumstance) when it comes to how we manage our digital behavior. So what if some of us are bad repliers, at least we are aware enough to acknowledge and admit it. Instead of always being self-critical, let’s plan on thinking of ways to change our behavior because being a bad replier should not define us.
Works Cited
Dray, Kayleigh. “The Rise of the Social Vampire, and How to Handle the One in Your Life.” Pocket, 9 Aug. 2021, getpocket.com/explore/item/psychology-the-rise-of-the-social-vampire-and-how-to-handle-the-one-in-your-life?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us.
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