*If receiving a compliment makes you uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Around 70% of people in a survey associated feelings of embarrassment and discomfort with praise. Why do we feel this way? It starts with a surprise. Our body’s physiological responses to it and more. “It would be easy to attribute our discomfort with praise to low self-esteem, however, it’s a bit more complicated than that. In other words, author Guy Winch states: “People with low self-esteem are often uncomfortable receiving compliments but not everyone who is uncomfortable receiving compliments necessarily has low self-esteem.*
For some, recognition can sometimes feel uncomfortable but you’re not alone. According to Tania Luna and LeeAnne Renninger (Surprise: Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected), there is a surprise element that is experienced when an individual is caught off guard by someone’s praise. In other words, everyone will respond differently to compliments, some with enthusiasm and receptiveness, whereas others who are not used to receiving compliments may lack receptiveness. Additionally, they may show astonishment and defer praise because they feel as if they don’t deserve it. Not to mention, since they’re put on the spot, they frantically begin to evaluate how to give the best response but their response can sometimes lead to awkwardness.
So why do we have these reactions?
Well, for one, our relationship with recognition complicates matters, and there isn’t a single answer to why we respond the way we do because individual behavior is extremely nuanced. As mentioned before, what makes us uncomfortable is that compliments are unexpected and thus cause some of us to feel surprised. In the book, Surprise: Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected, authors Tania Luna and LeeAnne Renninger explain the four stages of surprise or in other words, the “surprise sequence”. The stages of the surprise sequence are as follows…
- Stage 1: Momentarily freeze
- Stage 2: Find an explanation for what is happening
- Stage 3: Shift our perspective
- Stage 4: Share our experience
Some individuals welcome surprises with excitement, but for others, it takes time to adjust and rationalize an appropriate response. Aside from psychological effects, some individuals feel physiological reactions when they enter what is called the surprise sequence. Depending on the individual, a myriad of physiological responses can be experienced such as a rapid heartbeat, pupil dilation, sweating palms, and ultimately a skyrocketing of dopamine levels. Furthermore, depending on the individual unmerited praise can cause discomfort and this leads to deflections, sporadic responses, and ultimately awkwardness. Above all else, we may unconsciously attribute this to our way of trying to regain control in a situation where we feel emotionally vulnerable. Speaking of regaining control, I think the most salient question asked of oneself is “Did I deserve” that praise? “It’s not something I had to earn.” It’s at this point we enter stage 2: known as “Find”, and we embark on a mission to find answers to our confusion. Moreover, this confusion can be hard to reconcile if someone else’s positive views conflict with how we (negative) view ourselves. To put it differently, psychologists understand confirmation bias as the tendency to favor information that confirms one’s preexisting belief. There is a tendency to seek information that confirms our views and ignores views that challenge them. So, if the praise given doesn’t align with the way an individual already views themself, then it leads to an incongruence of emotions, apprehension of acceptance, and doubt. Personally, it’s not so much that I hold negative views about myself that cause me to question compliments given to me but it’s more so that I don’t fixate on qualities that I possess externally in terms of my appearance or internally, my character. Furthermore, this isn’t to say that I don’t recognize things about myself that people compliment me on, it’s that I’m too focused on navigating my daily life with an objective that doesn’t always involve me at the center of attention.
One’s perception of self can greatly influence their reaction when faced with unexpected praise. In other words, people may employ a tactic to divert praise as a way to protect themselves from future failure, disappointment, rejection, and sometimes even recognition in the sense of unwanted attention drawn to them. Denise Marigold, an associate professor of social development at the University of Waterloo stated that “The fear is that if I allow myself to let in a compliment, and feel good about it, and end up disappointing others or myself in the future, I risk taking a bigger bite out of my self-esteem”. Additionally, many of us respond awkwardly to compliments because I think it can be attributed to a sense of skepticism about the legitimacy of praise. To put it another way, with enough exposure to positive remarks, and an openness to receiving, a change of disposition is inevitable because it won’t lead to a sense of constant defensiveness. When received, those compliments can be perceived as gifts that enhance self-esteem. If you’re reading this and happen to play video games then I’ll provide an example that might make sense. Those compliments are like collectibles in your quest of life and they will accumulate into positive XP so you can improve your character development in every aspect, but the acquisition of those collectibles is optional and you can bypass it to discover many alternatives for character growth that will enable you to finish the game with determination, strength, and resolve. However, some individuals may reject the praise given to them to protect themselves from spontaneity or simply, being put on the spot, and it’s this unconscious self-protection that often robs us of human connection. As a result, connections don’t have the opportunity to flourish.
Is there a way we can experience joy instead of anxiety when we receive compliments?
Absolutely! This is where the last two stages of the “surprise sequence” come into play. After we can find an explanation for the compliment we’ve received (Stage 2: Find) we begin shifting our perspective and trying to make sense of things (Stage 3: Shift our perspective). However, some individuals during this process of understanding begin to diminish the value of the praise due to apprehension and as a result, try to change the subject in hopes of avoiding a cringe situation. Additionally, a healthy way to process a compliment is by sharing the situation (Stage 4: Share). It is at this point where sharing our thoughts with someone we trust can help us identify how to properly mitigate any feelings of discomfort. By the same token, once we’re able to receive and accept positive feedback then that can help negate anxiety and in a way prepare us to be receptive without resistance. Honestly, I would say to keep in mind that the information we share needs to be sincere and we should not make contrived attempts at starting dialogue with the expectation of receiving praise.
Know that the compliment is about the giver, not you (the receiver).
It’s sort of selfish to believe that when someone recognizes you, you make it about yourself. In fact, that should not be the case. The reason is, that if you (the receiver) left a good impression on them (the giver) then they will share what they found appealing about you and how it positively impacted them. You’ll either accept their perspective and acknowledge their sentiment or reject it. Objectively speaking, a simple “thank you” would suffice but as I said before it needs to be genuine because people sometimes respond to a question like “How are you doing?” with “I’m fine/good’ ‘ or “I can’t complain’ ‘ but do they actually mean it?
Reframe your vulnerability/Get curious about learned behaviors
It may be challenging to stop your natural physiological response to praise, but you can try to reframe the experience. Moreover, this is easier said than done, but I believe it can be “easy” if you have a strategy and can concentrate on changing your disposition so reciprocity of praise can be exchanged once you’ve demonstrated to yourself that you’re willing to recognize and accept this new opportunity to connect with someone else. You never know, that newfound connection could result in a new acquaintance or friendship. As previously mentioned, this is easier said than done because there might be underlying learned behaviors that have been ingrained in some individuals which cause them to have knee-jerk reactions when given praise they perceive as undeserving. For example, a person who grew up in a household with emotionally abusive parents can have trouble initially accepting praise because of the constant criticism they had to endure daily, the lack of encouragement, and the absence of positive reinforcement. With this in mind, this can lead to the development of low self-esteem and a persistent discomfort with receiving praise because as I mentioned before they may perceive it as insincere, unjustified, and undeserving. In addition, if the parents only give praise when they want something from the child, then the child may associate praise with manipulation and become wary of compliments in the future. Not to mention, this negativity loop can cause emotional damage to a child’s development in and out of the household. Consequently, the constant berating from their parents for not living up to expectations can result in the child growing up to be defiant and they may also punish their parents and themselves in painful ways for not being enough. Moreover, the lack of acceptance of praise would not be perceived as a “gift” but possibly rather a frivolous sentiment that doesn’t have positive actions to substantiate it. Conversely, some individuals’ upbringing was influenced by their parents’ reactions to praise such as diverting others’ compliments, praising God, cracking jokes, or simply downplaying it.
Ultimately, the reaction to praise is highly dependent on the individual and how their past influences shape their receptiveness to praise. By the same token, just as with any behavior, learning to accept praise starts with self-awareness. Personally, there have been a few times specifically at work where I became cognizant afterward that I kept diverting the compliment to something that wasn’t about me and I’ve told my clients that my hospitality was a team effort. Lastly, when we open ourselves up to receiving praise, we create a positive cycle of affirmation and support that propels us to become better individuals who can give and receive positive energy in equal measure. This will in turn hopefully cultivate a disposition of reciprocity and positive energy that can improve our personal growth so current and potential relationships remain active and sustainable.
Works Cited
Littlefield, Christopher. “Do Compliments Make You Cringe? Here’s Why.” Harvard Business Review, 11 Oct. 2021, hbr.org/2021/04/do-compliments-make-you-cringe-heres-why?utm_source=pocket_collection_story.
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